Let me start this column by congratulating you. You are just fabulous and I love getting your responses! I’m so happy and grateful that you communicate and open up to me about your challenges, which you’re not afraid to say also sometimes are related to the personality you have. Thanks to you, I have been overwhelmed with responses.

I invite you to send me your questions to info@cyrescafe.com for one reason and that is, this way I can have them all in one place. I know you come from all the four corners of the internet, but for me to get organized that would help!!

So, thank you and keep reading because I have something really special for you in store.

Today’s column is based on something high achievers have, and they struggle with it, they get tortured by it, and this is thanks to you, your responses, that I will now be able to write about this for the benefit of many. You’re fantastic and you definitely can do it!! Here is why:

One of the questions I received was about what can one do when the level of frustration builds up along the way, and one can’t seem to get anything right, nobody around in the close surroundings can get anything right, and when all that takes so much energy out of the self and others, that joy gets lost, and enthusiasm gets sucked into the downward spiral of depression.

I won’t be able to go into specific situations to answer you. And I want to also be fair and not mention private details or names, as such I will keep it general and will only reply to you in private to any questions you may have that are not touched on in this column. Also, it took quite a bit of space to reply to this particularly important question so that I feel this column will exclusively centre around this complex matter. It involves various aspects of self. What do I call it? The “Perfectionist Self-Sabotage Personality”, or for short, PSSP.

This poem talks about the past, present and future of perfection. It is a constant change that is reflected and it is inspired by the spiritual being having a physical experience here on earth that has a seat in such people who may or may not always be very appreciative of their own self.

Perfection
 
Yesterday
creation
lump of clay
molded moist and
full of life
breathing
in the potter’s hand
master piece
receiving
beauty and youth
sinful deceit
perfection lost
but not forever
 
Today
perfection
distant memory
global fading
of autumn colors
wilting leaves
shortened days
in winter
I crumble as I dry
I break and then I die
the knowledge
ignored will keep
brilliant minds
in shadows of ignorance
 
Tomorrow
perfection
resurrection
second creation
death by sin
a distant memory
of an archenemy
promise fulfilled by
the God of love
to all mankind
though not all want
to know

It took me a while to realize that perfection is something I wouldn’t achieve, ever.

I was told when I was a child that perfection didn’t exist and that all I could contend with was being as good as I can be. I would be frustrated over little things, get upset over every detail, procrastinate and never get started on anything before the concept was perfectly anchored in my mind because – after all – I thought that perfection was not really something unattainable. Here is my thought on that:

Some high security doors require that you have a highly secured key. Nobody without that key can enter. That key is perfectly made just to fit that one door. You enter in through it because you have that one key and there is no other key that is the same.
You’re the same kind of key: You have that one unique DNA, that one finger print, that one iris that is testifying your own uniqueness. Isn’t that a degree of perfection already?

Of course, I also have a tendency to be extremely impatient and still get really frustrated when things don’t work out the way they were intended. I know now that I have gained some insight into what used to set me up for self-sabotage and the lack of faith, people who don’t really make it to be successful are highly intelligent and as those who are successful have amazing minds but they, for some reason, focus in on what doesn’t work out well rather than on what IS working, they look to what they don’t have and don’t see or value enough what they DO have.

In other words, they are lacking the most important qualities which are gratitude and perseverance.

Now the reasons are many but for sheer curiosity I have asked people around me whether they are observing perfectionist tendencies within their own being. They could tell me a lot of things but those who have admitted to that trait of perfectionism actually did tell me that they realize that it doesn’t serve you at all times. It doesn’t protect you, it doesn’t help you get fast to where you want to be. It even costs you, time and energy, and perhaps even the loss of your own courage and self-esteem.

And now let’s take this moment to ponder on the difference between a high achiever and a perfectionist.

You may want to ask what that difference is, and sure there are many traits that will make a high achiever seem like a perfectionist, but there is a fine line, which is what I want to bring out in this article and for those who feel they benefit from reading about it, I would love to hear from you about how you will want to tackle your perfectionist traits and be on your way to becoming the high achiever that you truly are, when you’re not a perfectionist.

Now what’s a High Achiever? It’s someone who really digs into their potential and works on it, trains it, until they have perfected it and this by doing everything possible to obtain outcomes that reflect the potential and that are as near to perfection as possible.

For you to obtain that level of perfection, you don’t shy away from any effort. It’s a quality that is so inherently connected with the desire to reach the level of happiness and achievement, that it becomes a driving force in you and without being too unrealistic, you keep it in a healthy measure, for yourself, and, others around you.

You understand when perfection needs a little more help. That’s when the outcomes are shadows of the results that truly represent your potential. But until that result can show, you know you have to pass by a path that is called “train your skills”.
You do that daily. You get good at it. You do each day just a little more, tomorrow a little less to rest. The incremental increase gives you what you know will bring you to the next level. Then you focus in on perfecting your skills. You become an expert in what you do and enhance your vision of your own being, learn and gain insight of the working of what you acquire as skills.  The biggest part, as such, you have already done.

But how to be really truly successful, when you have that level of skill, that all you have to do is polish and refine, when all of a sudden people start to be jealous, start to threaten you, avoid you like the plague, give you ridiculing remarks about how all of a sudden you don’t seem to be “like them” and stand out, or in other words, have left the territory of mediocrity?  

Ask a diamond cutter and he will tell you that it takes 57 cuts to make a solitaire.

If by then you have mastered the skills, have endured, and achieve the results you want to achieve, you are close to perfection.

It helps of course to have a fair amount of lucidity about what your reality is. To become aware of the fact that you let perfectionist tendencies get in your way is half the path to success. If you realize that you are so much focused on your goal that you are spoiling for yourself the enjoyment on the way getting there, you save yourself the hassle of reaching your goal with a burnout feeling of emptiness and the question: What sense does it all have if I don’t enjoy my success?

How many of you have let feelings of inadequacy slow you down or significantly stop you from doing something, because you started comparing your own efforts with efforts that others have done?

When the level of perfection was not reflecting the potential you felt you had, did you start beating yourself up for not being as good as you should be?

Or have you had patience with yourself and did you understand that the current results were still a reflection of your growth process and the manifestation of your hands working out what your mind had conceived?

Does it not testify that you are capable of doing what you are, and that all it takes is to keep going and enjoying the ride, whilst being careful that your drive and the level of ambition you have doesn’t poison you and give you the sore element of “lack” rather than feeling that each day adds to your growth and refinement?

You know what was needed and added it and kept it going.

How many times have you had the chance to look at yourself and appreciate yourself for everything you have done and did well?

How many times have you had the reflection to change approach and did so when you got started on what you do?

This is a sign of a high degree of flexibility and it will allow you to be amazingly successful if you allow yourself to be.

As long as it is necessary for you to get to that desired level of perfection, will you now go on or will you say after one or two moments of frustration that you simply are not good at it and rather go and do something more suited for you?

You go out of your way to find the resources that you need to make it happen, you learn the best practices, and what you are much aware of is that when perfectionist tendencies begin to creep in to your mind, in any shape or form, you remind yourself of Lord Farkward, the character in the Shrek movie, who’s in search of his perfect princess, not because he wants to fall in love and have a beautiful family with an equally beautiful wife, but simply because he really wants to be king so badly, but has no kingdom, and so he desires to marry one.

Now while he’s being badly ridiculed for his short stature, he is standing tall for all it takes to be an anti-hero, pun intended.

In an animation movie, this sort of stuff is cute. Not in real life. It’s not even funny if you think of it, that he would have the same tendency as you.

Would it help you, the perfectionists, to move on and lower your levels of self-torture, if you would say:

I don’t want to be like that,  I have a good and very loveable character, I’m not going to get married to a kingdom.

But in a figurative sense you are. Think of the project or whatever it is you’re creating as this kingdom you get married to, with such effort and energy, isn’t that scary? Don’t you have to love it first? Don’t you have to give it the kind attention it needs to grow, and at the same time display patience with yourself, discipline yes, but no self-beating and agony-creating pressure that tortures you inside while you’re supposed to enjoy the ride!!

What’s needed then, and I don’t exclude myself when I’m saying this, is that we need to learn is to relax and accept ourselves.

The perfectionist’s self-worth dilemma is really that striving for perfection and each time it is achieved, the limit of that perfection is pushed out to more and more perfect ways.

Perfectionism can be a healthy quality, but not when it comes to the point of getting a feeling to never be able to fulfil our own expectations.

Chronic perfectionism is driven by deep-seated feelings of inferiority and self-hate. It reinforces a negative self-image, a self-loathing which will put us down when performing tasks or fulfilling goals. It can become intimidating, unpleasant, and really unfair to our own self, if the perfectionist tendency is not tackled with a good sense of humor and a healthy portion of distance to what we know will keep us going but can also devour us on the spot.

I heard someone say the other day, and he’s outrageously successful: Anything worth doing is worth being done poorly. This can help you with problems of procrastination. Allow yourself to make mistakes and do whatever it takes to get more comfortable with it and then incrementally increase the ease with which you are doing what it is you try to achieve.

Being driven, and having this perfectionist vein, can prove to be a double-edged sword, rather than two sides to one and the same coin. Success is one side and failure the other. One is a driving force, the other is holding you back. Which one is a more useful side for reaching your goals?

By all means, striving for excellence is something very fulfilling and it gives you rewards, be it professional or personal, and life is built on that principle of pursuing pleasure and avoiding pain. When you have determined your life to no longer accept anything less than perfect, your emotions are close to the outcomes you desire and fuel the passion that’s attached to it. Passion is good but it needs taming, just like fire can warm your body or burn it.
 
Essentially, what you want to attain is a real good balance between the reality and your own perception of how successful you are, and the efforts you make. If you have time to improve and the willingness to continue, then you have two very important factors that those who gave up, when the first two attempts didn’t work out, don’t have.

Don’t let your inner peace be wrecked by your ambitions, don’t let it eat you and become a stumbling block. It isn’t just all or nothing, black or white, it’s not that every dust particle will taint your outcome and leave it to perish, it isn’t that your goals are unrealistic, they just need realistic time and effort and both you are able to measure by how much you enjoy what you’re doing.

Learning to detect perfectionist tendencies will help you to deal with them and give you a boost in the level of joy you can feel.

I will post a few of those criteria by which you can identify whether or not you are prone to setting yourself up for a painful experience when pursuing your goals.

What’s making me understand that I’m a perfectionist?

You get defensive easily.

When just the thought of making mistakes makes you angry.

When you get really impatient with people around you.

When others can’t do right on you, ever.

Quickly feeling depressed about errors.

Feelings of not being adequate.

Low self-esteem and feelings of not being good enough.

Back and white thinking.

You consider everything to be all or nothing, and

If it’s not right from the start, it’s going to take you a greater effort to continue.
 
Some measures to take in such situations:

Lower the pressure by accepting yourself and what you do.

Expressing appreciation for what you do.

Feel grateful for what you have, rather than looking to lack and what you have not.

Enjoy small steps along the path to success.

Lower your standards temporarily so that you can actually achieve them, celebrate and then take yourself to the next level.

Realize that it doesn’t need a super human effort to achieve what you want to achieve.

Trust that others know you do the best and accept they do that also.

Don’t let doubt linger but allow that sparkle of a diamond to shine through with each time you continue to chip away at whatever it is you’re doing.

Count the costs of what you have lost because of such tendencies and then,

Observe them and keep a journal to increase the appreciation of your sincere efforts.

Think of Lord Farkward and his short size, but don’t think little of yourself!

These lists are only giving you an idea, and it’s not complete, but already one way in which Cyres can help you to incorporate the good action steps toward being a high achiever, one who doesn’t let perfectionism be a stumbling block to your own success.
Each step reflects the level of perfection you are able to show, at this time, with the skills and abilities you have now. You learn to add to it every day.

by Lydia Proschinger